Becoming

It has been SIX years since I wrote this post pre-major life change: http://www.seekingmylife.com/2018/01/resolved.html--happy to report that I am in a *much* better place than I was then.

And 3 years since this post about being present, as time speeds up later in life: http://www.seekingmylife.com/2021/02/about-time.html. Postscript, my old flame passed away last year. I was able to hug him before it was too late, and I am grateful for the many talks we had.

OK, 3 years is long enough for a blog writing break, dontchathink?

During my divorce transition, when my stress was at its highest point, my friend made me a bracelet that said "Youv'e Got This". This bit of encouragement was a huge help in getting through each day.

Last year, I replaced this with a new one, titled "Becoming" because I am still finding out who I am:

• Post Divorce
• Post Pandemic
• Post Empty Nest
• Post previous career (job change last year)
• Post Menopause

 Yeah, getting older too.  

My son has been pondering how we go about finding "Purpose" with a capital P in life.  I don't have an answer for him, as I am in that transition myself.

Until I figure who I want to be when I grow old, I have been working on becoming my best self in the meantime: losing weight, becoming more fit/active, learning Korean to better communicate with my birth family, and staying in better touch with friends. 

I am also enjoying my life more than before, and that was my goal 6 years ago. Getting there. It's a journey. I hope yours is going well too.

Prepare to be an Active Bystander

The recent incidents of violence against people of Asian descent brings back a lot of memories of pre-California life. This is why I chose to raise my family in the Bay Area in the first place. I've posted a poem on the Kimchi Mamas blog for those interested in more detail of what I faced growing up back East.

An incident in New York City recently featured two security guards in a nearby building who seemed to do nothing to help an elderly woman being brutally assaulted right in front of them.  I share in the initial outrage against do-nothing bystanders. I like to think I would have stepped in to protect her, unlike those guards.  There have been times when I am proud to say I have indeed stepped in.  Me, the straight-A honors student got sent to the Principal's office in high school for fighting with a girl who was making fun of a friend.  (More like getting my butt kicked, but whatever...)

Then I remember the time I did nothing in a train full of people, and have to admit I shouldn't be judging anyone else. Years ago I was on light rail when a crazy man verbally assaulted a young woman for 10 minutes. Screaming in her face. And she was young, like 22. Some people tried to distract him but he was laser focused on her. I was not able to get up to physically interpose. I tried to catch her eye but she was just looking down trying to be as small as possible. She got off at the next stop to get away from him. The train was packed, and most of us just sat quietly, hoping the nutcase wouldn't see the rest of us. I was ashamed I didn't do more.

 

I added the light rail safety app to my phone and started sitting nearer the doors after that. Having had time to process what happened, I have mentally rehearsed what I could have done differently, to be better prepared next time. A friend shared some information from training she had on how to be an Active Bystander so I went looking for some public links for you all.  Have at it, read, think it through, and next time, do what you CAN do.  https://www.ihollaback.org/bystander-resources/

 

And one downside--sometimes, when trying to intervene when the victim and attacker know each other, the victim might not be grateful the way you expect.  Do what you can do, what you are comfortable doing, and that you know is right. That has to be enough.

About Time

I've been meaning to write a post since all this pandemic stuff hit the fan last March.  I could have gone on procrastinating until worldwide quarantine ends I'm sure, but I got a call today that reminded me that none of us gets unlimited time.

An old flame and I reconnected recently, and I've been feeling my way in the dark trying to figure out how this new relationship could work. The original split happened three decades ago. The old feelings are still there, but we have both lived a lifetime since then--including marriages and kids raised.

I've been puzzling over how to be friends with someone in the unique history we had, and in time I think we could figure it out. Except we don't know if we will get that time after all.

We all know time is not guaranteed to any of us. Unfortunately, the odds are now tipped against us with a dread diagnosis in play. I really hope this is wrong, but it is the kick I needed to start writing again. Because none of us might be here tomorrow. I will follow the advice of a colleague: Done is better than Perfect.

Today's blog title refers to the movie of the same title, starring Domhnall Gleeson, Rachel McAdams, and Bill Nighy.  Here is a link to the IMDB listing: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt02194499/

Below is my COVID-inspired Bucket List--with luck and love, I'll get to some of these soon:

1. Ski the Alps (again)
2. Spend time with my recently discovered birth family
3. See my children launch into their adult lives
   
4. Dance at my children's weddings
   
5. Hold a grandchild
6. Live in Europe for a while
7. Live in Asia for a while
8. Travel New Zealand and Australia
9. Publish a book
   
10. Hug my old flame
    

Resolved

This is a promise to myself.  I will begin this year.

The first third of my life was all about the future.  While I was blessed in childhood with a loving family, and middle class means to access most dreams I might hope for, my focus was always on tomorrow.  School.  College.  Life.  Accomplish and acquire--skills, people, things.

The next third of my life was about RESPONSIBILITY.  Still all about the future, now both mine and my family's.  Supporting my children's dreams, fulfilling my own potential, and saving for retirement.

If I should be blessed with an equal third of what remains of my life, I am resolved that I shall LIVE NOW.  There have been unpleasant revelations the last few years.  Nothing entirely surprising.  The signs were all there for the more attentive or perspicuous to read.  And suddenly I wonder what the hell it has all been for?  If I am unhappy, why I am I still doing the same thing I've been doing all along?  What can I change?  And that is the key.  What can I change about myself and my life?  Because others cannot change, no matter how much they might want to please us.

Moving through the stages of grief:

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression 
5. acceptance

Hard acceptances this last year:

• People are the way they are.  They are not going to change, and many in fact are not capable of change.
• The division of labor will always be unequal.  Can I live with that?
• Romantic fantasies are dead, were always false.  What is there instead?
• Count up what is possible.  Is it enough?
• What is the minimum you can accept to go on?  Can you live on half that?
• How would it feel to put all those burdens down?

 Stay tuned.

The Real Reason Behind Unfriending Over Politics

When I hear about people unfriending each other over politics, on the surface it seems wrong. People should be able to tolerate differences in politics or religion, right?  If we only surround ourselves with people who agree with us, aren't we turning those social bubbles we live in, to walled compounds?

The Personal is Political--issues of religion and civil rights are issues we get passionate about.  I blame no one for feeling strongly about their views, even if those views are different from my views, which I also feel strongly about.

I am astonished, however, at the condescension I see on some of my friends' social media posts, by their supposed friends. Sometimes I can't resist the siren call to wade into the discussion myself, to dispute a false statement, or to support my friend against a troll.  Then I find myself arguing with strangers and that seems pretty pointless.

When I see that level of gloating, hostility, or condescension, I can understand the unfriending after all.  It's not usually the difference of opinion that is the problem.  It's the attitude toward the other person. If someone is that disrespectful, that unwilling to even try to see the other perspective, then yes, I can see ending a relationship over that.  It might be that the relationship didn't have much else going for it in the first place.  None of us should tolerate abuse or disrespect.  Disagreement, yes.  Discussion and attempts at persuasion? At the right time, right place, and within bounds, yes.  But always civil, polite, and respectful.  Otherwise it's just harassment or abuse.  Any rational person will limit that in their lives.

Career Diet: Just What I Need

Today's blog title is inspired by the "Six Word Memoirs" concept, which you can find at many online sites, including these:

• http://www.sixwordmemoirs.com/
• http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six-Word_Memoirs

A friend posted on her FB page challenging us, and I came up with today's title.  I am now back from my international business trip, and have finished our annual company conference.  Excited and energized by both events, but also tired, I am pleased with my six word memoir's double-meaning.

"Career Diet" encapsulates my approach to life.  Careers, just like food, can be wonderful, sustaining, enjoyable parts of our lives.  Like food, though, too much of it, or the wrong type, can also seriously hamper our quality of life.

I am fortunate to be happy with where I am working, and that has been the case for many years now.  I am challenged, have control over my schedule, and am paid enough to live comfortably and save for the future.  There have been times, and will be times again, when the work overtakes my life, and I have to go full throttle for a while.  Then I look forward to the pauses in between campaigns when I can spend some time on myself and my family.

At motivational work events, it's easy to get caught up in "what if" exercises.  Should I be a Director, or a VP by now?  Should it bother me if I am not?  Why am I not?  And what would it cost me to have gotten to that level of corporate achievement?  Sheryl Sandberg aside, it's still difficult to be a working mom.  And every family, every child, every marriage is different.  What worked for her won't always work for the rest of us.  She says "Lean In", and I understand why.  It's a great message, that I was eager for when I was 25.  Even at 35 it's good to be reminded not to take the foot off the gas unless you really have to.  But at 45 and up, I'm not shooting for the executive office anymore (though anything is possible).  And even at 35, you have to ask yourself if you are climbing the right ladder.  When you get to the top, is that really where you want to go?

Just What I Need:  Exactly what I need.  Interesting, challenging work keeps me growing and provides purpose and remuneration. 

Just What I Need: Only what I need. Not more than that if it will cost me my family, my other interests, my whole self. The job is always wanting more of my time and energy.  Not sure if the diet is to limit how much career I consume...or how much of me my career consumes.

Living In the Future

I started this post a few weeks ago--finally finishing it.

I am *finally* on vacation.  It's been long overdue.  Last time I took off more than one day+weekend was in November.  Work has been busy, life has been busy, what else is new?

I am noticing a habit that I have, and am interested to hear if anyone else does this.  I live in the future in many ways, both grand and minor.

• On my way in to work, I am thinking about what I will have for lunch: salad, or something heartier?  at my desk for max productivity, or try to book a friend?
• About 2pm, I start wondering about dinner...takeout or cook at home?
• On Thursday, I am thinking about the weekend already.  Usually cataloging the long list for the "weekend chore-a-thon"
• On Saturday, I am thinking about what is coming up the following week at work, anticipating deadlines, working out carpool schedules in my head

Much of this is a good thing.  This long-range thinking allows me to foresee potential problems and take steps to work around them.  It is what makes me a kick-butt Project Manager.  I can credit this habit of thinking for anything I have ever achieved in my life.

But I recently noticed that it kills some of the joy of being "in the moment".  One Saturday afternoon I was so stressed about the coming week that it felt like Sunday evening.  I had completely skipped over the rest of my Saturday, lost all of Sunday and gone right to Monday morning.

I know someone who is very "in-the-moment".  He could not hold onto a grudge if it had handles.  This frustrated him as a child, when he wanted to stay mad at his parents or his brother, and could not hang onto that feeling. It would just slip away and he would get bored of pouting and life would go on. 

The upside to this is that he is one of the happiest, and nicest, people I know, and very easy to get along with.  The downside is that he is not very organized, and often fails to anticipate things he will need even a mere 5 minutes in the future.  Lots of return trips to get things he has forgotten.

While I shake my head at his lack of planning, I do very much envy his ability to enjoy his life as it happens.  I am trying, daily, to savor the moments of joy that come along--and they are many.  I live a blessed life, with a healthy family, if not quite wealthy, certainly comfortable.  Wise?  Working on it!

You're Missing All the Crabs!

The boys and I were invited to join some friends at Point Lobos this weekend.  We had hoped for whale watching, but with no whales in sight, the kids settled for spotting seals, starfish, cormorants, and seagulls instead.

The rocks were dramatic!  There were so many different types in one place--some of which was hard to believe was naturally made.  My junior high Earth Science teacher would have been very disappointed in how few I could name.  I remember "gneiss", but that is about it!

The kids all climbed big rocks and little ones, and spied on crabs scuttling around in the cracks.  I was not as fascinated by these as the kids were, but hey, everyone was enjoying the sunny day out by the water.

At one point, Barley and I ended up waaay on the other side of the beach from everyone else, so we headed over there to catch up with the rest.  It was a long path, crossing both wet and dry tidepool areas.  Barley scolded me about my pace, "Mom!  You're going so fast you're missing ALL the crabs!  Look at all these cracks for them to hide in, and you're not even looking!"

Well, I did remember to take some pictures, and while Barley sought out more scuttling critters, I smiled at this very boy's perspective on the old "smell the roses" admonition.

As you go through your week, remember to take time to hunt for crabs in your life!

(If I get ambitious, I may come back and load pictures of the rock formations).

Unicorn Story of Happiness

Great talk about perspectives and happiness.  And yes, there is a unicorn in the story. 


 If you don't have 12 minutes to listen to Shawn Achor talk 60 mph, here is the part I got the most out of:

5 habits that help increase happiness:

1. 3 gratitudes per day
2. Journaling
3. Exercise
4. Meditation
5. Random acts of kindness

I am doing the first 3 weekly.  Still need to work on 4 and 5.

Time with Friends is a Big Rock

So, to put the title of this post into perspective, there is a story told by Steven Covey about making priorities in your life.  If you haven't heard about the "Big Rocks in Life", You can read it here.  It's worth a look.

Work has been a bear since last September, and add in the holiday stress, New Year's annual tax and paperwork travail, and I've been feeling a bit blue lately.

This week and last, I did something I have not had time to do in quite a long time.  A sew meet with my girlfriends.  Even though I was tired, and lots on my mind, like shaping my children to be productive and pleasant citizens of society, and world peace, I went anyway tonight.

We chatted, made each other laugh, embarrassed whatever children were present.  And there is just something in that mix of nonsense that releases some endorphins or something.  I am still stressed about work, but a little less so.  I am still worried about the state of the world, but a little less so.  Still wishing I didn't have decades ahead of me of working, striving, saving, etc., but a little less so.

Time with friends is one of the Big Rocks in my life.  I'm going to try harder not to let the sand take up all the space.

And your problem with that is...?

We were ordering the birthday cake for oldest child's party this weekend, when Youngest overheard.  Miffed, he asked in a plaintive voice, "Why does he get two birthday cakes?!" 

We had gotten a very small one for the actual day of Oldest's birthday, knowing his party was 2 weeks away.  Youngest's birthday party was a week before his actual birthday, so we had not done the same for him.  Just one cake.

DH looked in surprise at Youngest, and clarified, "This means you get to have some of 2 of his birthday cakes, instead of just one.  What are you really having a problem with?"

Youngest thought about it, and retracted his complaint.  The principle seemed a lot less important than the potential for chocolate.

Perspectives

This post owes its spark to a post by Patois: Whee! All The Way Home: Perspective

When my life gets tough, which is has lately due to increased work responsibilities, it can sometimes help to remember how much better my life is than it could be.  Better than it actually is for many others.  Not to gloat, but rather, to remember to be grateful for the good parts and not just obsess about what's hard.  I have 2 good perspective shifts to share below, and one sad one.  And an anthem that helps me get through tough times at the very end.

Funny perspective story #1:  When DH was in law school, the gruelling study and test schedule was hard on everyone.  Those with additional burdens had that much more to juggle.  He had two classmates, both women, who eyed each other during the orientation.  One was several months pregnant, and the other had a cast on one leg, relying on crutches to get around campus.  They each confessed to the other at the end of the year, that they got through the challenge by reminding themselves, "Well, at least I don't have to deal with what she does on top of it all!"

Funny perspective story #2: My best friend who already worked in public service, found it necessary to go to police academy as part of her career credential, at age 35.  She was surrounded by 19 and 20 year-olds, and spent 6 months running daily and working out to get in shape for the physical strain.  A colleague who had gone a year earlier came close to not graduating due to the fitness requirements.  My friend would describe her days to me when we caught up on the weekend:  Classwork was easy, but the jogs, pushups, tests of stamina were a struggle.  They got painful tear gas dabbed in their eyes and then complete an arrest.  One particularly tough day awaited her:  Climb an 8-foot wall wearing all her police gear, and then fight "red man" on the other side.  "Red man" is a big muscular guy outfitted in red padding, ready to beat you down until you give up, or you manage to subdue him.  Right mouse-click here to see a video.  During all her travail, no matter how hard my job got, I could always remind myself that at least there was no "red man" around the corner waiting to kick my ass.  That was a good perspective.

The sad stories:  One friend's husband had a mild stroke this summer.  He is recovering, almost 90% his old self, after many challenging weeks and months.  But another friend's wife is not doing so well.  Heart surgery and a bad stroke has removed all her speech, and she has very limited mobility.  All of them are younger than I am.

The anthem that helps me get through tough times: Hold On from the musical: The Secret Garden (takes a minute in for the song to start)

Failing Leadership School

My company is sending me, and several other colleagues to Leadership School.  In preparation for this, we've been requested to fill out 360degree surveys on each other.  The 360 refers to the fact that these will be completed by people all around you--below, above, beside.

Many of the questions focus on people skills, such as, "Does this manager treat mistakes as opportunities for learning in a positive way?"

I think I failed that this past weekend.  We went camping with several friends, and through a series of events too complex to go into, we brought 3 extra children with us, in addition to our own two.  There were also two other families, with their own children in the group.

For breakfast one morning, several of the children requested noodle cups (fine by me--quicker and easier to boil water than cook eggs and bacon).  Two of the girls left their styrofoam noodle cups, with the dregs, on the table.  As I went to pick them up to discard, I realized they'd spilled noodles, broth, and vegetable matter all over the table around the cups.  I was peeved.  I might also have been a teensy bit stressed out about having 5 kids to track that weekend.

Anyway, I called the girls back, showed them the mess, and very sarcastically asked them, "Are you guys kidding me?  Is that how you clean up after yourselves?  Clean that up right now!"  The girls were properly apologetic, cleaned where directed, and promised not to do it again.

Looking over at DH to share an exasperated eye-roll, his expression of surprise made me replay the scene in my head.  Hmmm.  OK, I might have been a little harsh in my delivery of the message.  If they'd had a chance to fill in a 360 on my leadership style right then and there, I would not have scored very well.  Good thing I don't actually talk to colleagues that way!

Life as a Roller Coaster

How do you live your life?

Are you a free spirit, enjoying whatever thrills and adventure life throws at you?  Does that mean you also suffer whatever slings and arrows fate sends your way?  I think my oldest child is a bit like that.  He is very flexible, and "goes with the flow".  Sometimes, though, this means he looks back and realizes he didn't have the experience he wanted to have, because he let someone/something else dictate the order in which he did things, and how.  Most of the time, that doesn't bother him.  He lives very "in the moment."

This can drive DH and me crazy.  This same free-spirited approach to life also means that homework gets forgotten, and time is not set aside for practicing anything unless he is reminded.  I worry about what kind of a future he will have if he does not exercise more control over the direction he is going.

On the other hand, my youngest child is all about control.  Things must be done in a particular order, a certain way.  And while he is no happier than his brother to get new chores, or have his daily routine changed, once established he is fine.  He is the child who remembers his assignments, and gets homework done in school before he even arrives home.  He is the one who tries to tell his brother the right way to do things, and will call him on infractions.  This child I worry about socially.  I trust he will find a productive way to live his life and support himself financially.  But will he be happy?  Will he have trusted lifelong friends who will help him cope with those slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?

I myself am more like my younger than my older son.  By controlling the details, I make sure there are no unpleasant surprises coming at me.  But watching my children, I would guess that my older son has mastered how to be happy and enjoy life moreso than my younger child.  Sure, he gets upset by how unfair life (and parents) can be-- he is a pre-teen after all.  But mostly his "go with it" attitude shrugs off frustration and inconvenience, unlike myself and his brother, who nurture these feelings, trying to figure out how prevent them from EVER happening again.

I had an image of life as a roller coaster a few weeks ago. Some people ride them, and enjoy every death-defying moment.  Others of us avoid them, or suffer through them with iron grips, hoping not to die today, even if we know cognitively how safe these rides are engineered to be (yes, there are very rare accidents, but we don't fear driving on the highway like we do these rides).

This was at Six Flags Discovery Kingdom in Vallejo.  I thought about riding this one, but chickened out at the end, heart pounding at my close escape!  While mostly relieved when my nephew agreed to go on with my son, I was also disappointed, and slightly embarrassed.

Sometimes I wish I could enjoy that roller coaster (and life) more, and worry less.  If I figure it out, I'll try to teach my younger son too.

Confronting Racism

I've never heard of Jay Smooth before encountering this brilliant video on a friend's FB page.  I've always resisted the idea that Hip-Hop is a form of poetry (my oldest son commented that he thought Rap was "manly poetry"), but after listening to this video, I have to admit Jay has a way with words!



We played this for the 12-year old entering middle school next year. He got it. He laughed at the funny bits, but he got it, and hopefully this helps him navigate tricky waters when pointing out uncomfortable truths.

Are We Rich? Part 2 of 3 (In which I whine for no good reason)

To read Part 1 of this series, click here.

So, taxes are done and filed.  We are not getting the refund I was hoping for, and actually owed a chunk I wasn't expecting.  We are able to pay it, and while home improvement projects have to be scrapped for a while, we are still in relatively good shape.

I'm just jealous of those who have more, that's all.

In the midst of trying to coordinate an outing with a friend and her son, she mentioned some of the scheduled activities that are keeping them so busy.  A leadership summer camp for her son at an exciting location, and a trip to Asia this summer too.  She is understandably excited by both opportunities.  Meantime, I was excited to learn that our children will have the chance to travel to Washington D.C. in 8th grade--hey, that's all the way across the country!  It pales in comparison to her child's annual summer continent trek.  He's been to Australia and Paris already....places that even I, in my 5th decade of life, have never been.

Another family that we know is in the midst of renovating their house.  A major structural redo, it will take many months, and they will have to camp out in their backyard and garage over the summer, having turned over most of their daily living space to a construction crew to remodel.  It will open up tons of space, and use that space more efficiently, making an ordinary home quite exceptional and lovely.  I am jealous because my hopes of just taking down a couple of trees, and installing hardwood instead of carpet are on hold.  A remodel such as they are planning is completely out of the question for our financial situation.

So, are we rich?  Heck NO!  I have to fight off the green-eyed monster as I realized that my recent raise will go directly to paying our increased real estate taxes this year, leaving me feeling no further ahead despite all my hard work.

And I do realize that I am still very, very well off compared to many other high-quality people in the world, or even neighborhood.  We don't worry about what we buy at the grocery (I do pay attention, and clip coupons, but I don't worry if we can afford meat this week).  We have good health insurance, and relatively good health (knock on wood).  The recent discussions about exchanging Medicare for vouchers does have me resigned to working for the rest of my life, though...

Even if we did have the money that our friends do, which they are investing in summer vacations around the world, or remodeling their home, DH and I are not sure we would bother.  Our remodeling friends are probably sick of hearing comments that their house is "fine the way it is".  It is fine, but the point is that it will be better when they are done.  And if they have the money and are willing to put up with the hassle of living in their garage to realize their vision, more power to them!

I have smaller, less ambitious visions.  Hopefully we'll do our withholding tax calculations right next year, and we too can make our "dreams" come true.

My Winnebago Career

Things have been crazy busy around here, as you can tell by my lack of posting.  Work has been the biggest challenge, but being sick, and then DH being under the weather have also contributed.  My biggest distraction in the last week was the departure of my manager of the last few years.  She has been AWESOME, and I am going to miss her influence very much.  She is moving on, as people and life have a way of doing, and this means changes at my job, of course, which makes us all a little uneasy.

Fortunately, her boss is someone I get along with, and he proved years ago that he values my contribution, when he talked me into staying after I had resigned.  And while I know that is supposed to be a bad idea (to stay after you have quit), it has actually worked out quite well.

Anyway, I usually avoid blogging or posting on Face*Book about anything work-related (you never know who might be reading!), but I had to share a funny dream I had while processing all this work-stress.  Now, I've been having a lot of work-related dreams since learning my boss was moving on--not all of them have been enlightening, or fun, or even restful.  

In this dream, I am driving a giant Winnebago (Merikay, are you listening?), and I am trying to get it to go down one particular street, to get to a certain destination.  In the dream, it is just a parking lot, but I needed to get there.  This is a HUGE vehicle, and I can't seem to turn the wheel hard enough to go where I want it to--I just keep going straight, passing all the avenues that would take me to the right place. 

Suddenly, the Winnebago and I are up on a sidewalk, and I need to find a way to build a ramp that is 3 feet high, so I can drive off the sidewalk and get back to my route.

Did I mention that among other challenges at work, I am trying to get promoted?  Does anyone else see the analogy my subconscious has made?  The best part of this?  I was telling some girlfriends about this, and one noted, "Well, at least you have a bathroom, right?  And a kitchenette?"

And that is the funny part of this analogy.  I have been very comfortable in my job/career so far--I have work that I enjoy, flexibility to work the schedule and location around my family's requirements, and enough to live on, even in the Bay Area.  Not that we're rich (oops, I have to finish that other post series, don't I?), or anything.  But we are comfortable.  So here I am, counting my blessings again, even as I try to reach for that brass ring.

Are we rich? Part 1 of 3 (maybe)

Sorry for the minimal posting this month.  When I vowed, "Less is More" apparently that meant "less writing, more work".

I envy my soon-to-retire colleague.  Approaching 70, she has certainly paid her dues and earned her rest.  I just dread that I myself have another couple of decades to go as a salary serf.  The older of the two main reasons for my serfdom asked us the other day, "Are we rich?"

A bit startled by the question (we aren't rich), we asked the reason behind the question.  Apparently one of eldest's friends was conjecturing out loud in front of him that we must be, because DH's profession is one that requires an advanced post-graduate degree.  I choked back a laugh, and eyed DH over the dinner table, letting him take the lead on this discussion.  We settled on the standard privacy line of "It's nobody's business how much money we have or make, and no, we're not going to tell our children, either."

Now, the short report card on our status is that we are financially sound.  At the moment.  Which can feel like or look like wealth when friends and neighbors face unemployment or home foreclosures.  We count ourselves lucky in that regard, and continue to work hard in our designated professions to keep things that way.  We won't pat ourselves on the back for having "done right", because we know that where we are is as much a result of luck/opportunity, as it is good choices (and some bad ones) that we've made along the way.

We have friends we consider truly wealthy.  They live in zipcodes where we couldn't afford a post office box, never mind a mortgage.  And while we love them and respect all their hard work to get where they are, it has taken me years to get over my own jealousy over their success.  Why do they have the marble-floored mansion, and fulltime housekeeper, and a school district where the GATE program (gifted and talented) offers something more than making Christmas cookies in the lunchroom?  I worked just as hard, but have had much less success--what did I do wrong?  The best therapy for that, I found, was reading Malcolm Gladwell's book, "Outliers: The Story of Success".  So much of that kind of success is timing and chance.  And yes, hard work, but in the right environment.

We also have friends who have less than we do.  Or we think so--they don't share their financial details with us, and we don't ask.  They are raising their kids in single-parent households, shuttling them back and forth with the ex-spouse.  Or their homes may be smaller (but no less full of love), or they've had to sell the house for an apartment because home prices and employment did not cooperate.  They are working just as hard as we are, I know for sure, and some of them have spent lots of time helping their own children, and mine, by volunteering at school, church, and scouting.  They deserve success just as much as we do.  Maybe more.  I have no answers for why this should be so, other than life is not fair, and we all just do the best we can with what we have.  And try to help others when the opportunity arises.

I suppose one simple definition of rich might be that when someone needs help of any kind, to be in a position to offer help is the best kind of wealth. Even if the help is emotional support, rather than financial.  In that regard, we are wealthy indeed.

Resolved

I am not in the habit of making resolutions every year.  I feel as if every day is a battle to get more done, do my best, discipline my kids, etc.  The date on the calendar doesn't really change how hard I am trying already.

But there are things I want to improve upon, that I haven't been able to work in over the holidays.  We are almost done celebrating, and as I start planning to pack up the holiday decorations, my mind has already jumped ahead to what is "NEXT."

My resolutions for the new year are (drumroll please...):

1.  Lose weight.  The diet starts after all the holiday goodies are gone, which may be another few weeks.  BUT, DH and I have both become complacent about the calories we are consuming, and the cold weather is driving us indoors into our couch.  That has to change.  I love the healthy heart ad campaign from one of the cereal companies: "Take care of your heart, so you can do more of what you love!"  Sign us up.
2. Clear out the house.  As the child of a packrat, I have great difficulty parting with anything.  We made great progress after Thanksgiving clearing out the former "Toy Room" to let the boys have their own space--it's been nice to be able to walk into both their rooms.  I want to keep up the momentum and get rid of more.  Our house is not that large, and it is embarrassing how much of the space is devoted to storing useless junk.  
3. Finish Projects.  I am in the middle of many needlework projects:  sweater (1), socks (2pair), quilts (3), sewing (2), crochet (2), cross-stitch(1), needlepoint (?), etc.  As I make progress on resolution #2, I am sure to find more.  I will finish, or discard.  Watch for a post later this month where I'll post the whole list and hopefully make progress in clearing out the clutter.

My theme for the new year? "Less is More" 

My wish for you all?   

"May 2011 bring you less of what you don't want, and more of what you do."

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Zen for the Holidays

It is always such a marathon this time of year--and judging by the expressions on the faces of fellow parents at the mall, I am not the only one who feels this way.  Part of my stress is my innate perfectionist, Type-A, "Driver" personality.  Part of it is also the poor planning that yielded two holiday birthdays for our offspring.  Not that it was totally under our control, but yeah, if we had counted forward 9 months on the calendar, we could have taken a break.

So, as DH tries to gently remind me to enjoy the holidays more, and stress/worry less, I tried to put everything I've read this year from Gretchen Rubin's wise blog: The Happiness Project, into practice.

Instead of fretting about the Christmas gifts I hadn't finished wrapping, or being annoyed that I'd overpaid for something that went on sale the day after I bought it, or reminding the boys to save that ribbon, bow, or gift bag, I just let the process unwrap on Christmas Eve.  We bowed to the pressure of the boys' anticipation and let them open everything, and so did we.